All Work and No Play Makes Dapper a Dull Blogger

Autumn in Iowa is a wonderful time of year. For a few days each year there is a magical time between the sweltering heat of summer and the soul-sucking cold of winter. I get a chance to cheer on my favorite football teams - the Iowa State Cyclones and the Minnesota Vikings. One thing I do not like is pumpkin-flavored-everything-time. I find it pedantic. And disgusting. Mostly just disgusting.

Since it is Halloween (or Samhain by you purists) today, and it is by far my favorite holiday, I thought I would talk about scary movies and my experience at a haunted bed and breakfast.

A few years ago, my fiance and I foolishly put our lives into our own hands and stayed at a haunted bed and breakfast. True story. We were going to be in Minnesota for a wedding reception so we decided to fire up the ol' Google machine and find out if there were any nice Bed and Breakfasts in the area. Oh cool, there are few to choose from. Neato, one of them is haunted and operated by a psychic. It took us all of three seconds to book that one. Our giddiness soon turned to trepidation. Why the hell did we want to sleep some place where ghosts were frolicking about? No turning back now.

You don't have to be Zak Bagans to tell me that there were some unexplained activities going on in this house. There were too many occurrences of objects moving, unexplained powerful smells at odd times, and the fact that we actually saw a ghostly human figure. Twice.

The first figure we saw while we were driving to get something to eat. It was early dusk and we thought we saw a hitchhiker or someone out wandering on the road. We couldn't see who or what it was, and when we got close enough to it, it had vanished. Not too long after that we went through an "only one stop sign" size of town and heard an old timey police siren.

Our second experience with a spectral being from another realm occurred when we got back from the wedding reception. It was pretty late and no one else was up (lame) so we had to unlock the front door and try to make it back to our room without having our life force sucked out by whatever demons were lurking around every dark corner. We saw an old farmer type with a hat across the dining room and near the kitchen. He was gone in a flash. We ran back to our room at this point, opened our door and quickly locked it behind us. We slept with the lights on that night and I got about 45 minutes of good sleep.

So, if you had a bloody ice pick to my neck and forced me to pick my favorite Halloween movies, these would be it.

The Shining

This is my ultimate favorite. I absolutely love this crazy axe scene. A close second is the big wheel scene when Danny runs into the sisters.

Creepshow

I picked this one mostly because of its history. This was the first movie that we illegally watched as children. And by that I mean that we saw it without our mom's consent. This movie kept my sister and I up all night, scared out of our wits. My bedroom had become some sort of terrible nightmare factory after viewing it. There was no way I was going back in there until it was safe again. I still can't un-see the cockroach scene either.

It

Tim Curry was so cool in Clue. And he was such a loveable harmless transvestite in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Why would he turn into an evil clown, hell bent on haunting the dreams of children everywhere? This is another movie I shouldn't have watched as a kid.

Honorable Mentions
The Exorcist - Read about the weird stuff that happened behind the scenes too.
Rosemary's Baby
The Omen
Paranormal Activity
The Ring.  The goddamn Ring. Yeah, I've written about this before.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Sleep tight.
- Dapper

Man, That Scrawny Kid's Faster Than Walt Flanagan's Dog

When I was younger I was an unseasoned basketball player. Of course we were all kids at this time, so maybe I'm being too tough on myself? Nah, some kids had skills, but I really didn't. I had plenty of practice shooting hoops on the farm, but I struggled at set plays, defense, and general confidence dribbling the basketball.

Before practice I would kill time at my friend Kevin's house playing an X-Men themed board game with some other nerds. This was before comics were cool; before Robert Downey, Jr. donned the Iron Man suit, before Chris Hemsworth was sexy Thor. It was not the coolest thing to do. I wasn't even cool enough with the losers to know who most of these characters were. Rogue? Sure that sounds cool. I'll be that guy. What, it's a young woman? Dammit.

I can't put my finger on it, but Kevin's basement had a unique smell. And that smell became a taste. Like accidentally licking a penny that fell out of someone's shoe after a marathon. So picture this, I would leave this smelly, crazy house and venture into the shitty, piercing cold Iowa climate. I was nervous just thinking about whether or not I would remember where to set a screen or if I would have to attempt a layup with my left hand. It was possible that I would embarrass myself or the family name. My goal was to participate without really being noticed at all.

We're all friends here, so it's easy for me to tell you that the coach didn't like me very much. He kind of poked fun at me a little bit. Let me just say that the guy with anger management issues wasn't really there to teach us naturally un-gifted players. I never figured out what this guy's deal was with me. Oh well, I guess I'll just go on living.

On a related note, a little while later when I was in high school, I ran track. In one particular race I found myself neck and neck in a battle for second place with this other kid. This same coach was one of the people keeping time on a stopwatch at the finish line. I ended up getting third place. I may have been cheated. I may not have. I still think I got cheated. I met that other guy playing soccer a few years later. He was pretty cool actually. So, now I will casually segue into the positive section of this post.

Fast forward to the summer after 8th grade. I already had a few years of soccer (futbol, for my international readers) under my belt. And I was pretty awesome (not to brag). But now I was finally able to play soccer with the high school guys. Some of them were actual men, I was merely a boy at this point, with upper body muscle aspirations. This one guy, Mark, liked to force us to play with our shirts off and tell us how white and puny we were. But I did have a tan. It went from my elbows to my fingers. Okay, I would play along. Vengeance would be mine.

Once my friend Steve and I got out on the field, no one was making fun of our size anymore. Steve was making the older guys look like Swiss cheese. I was showing my speed on defense and literally (yes, literally) stopping everything that came my way. Every single game after that initial practice, I started on defense. No joke. Most games I played the whole damn thing.

I was just more suited to the flow of the game of soccer, no set plays like in basketball. My favorite part of the game was utilizing the slide tackle. I was actually nervous the first time I tried it, but after some 'positive affirmations' from Mark, I just did it. Man, that was great. If things got heated, you just went cleats up and made a half-assed attempt at the ball. That was my favorite form of communication in those situations.

As you can see, I had a mixed bag of experiences with sports in my youth. But it ended on a good note. Now I bring you some of my favorite sports movies.

Slap Shot
"Old time hockey."

Happy Gilmore
"The price is wrong, bitch."

Major League
"Just a bit outside."
"Give 'em the heater."

The Color of Money / The Hustler
There aren't too many movies about pool. These are both pretty awesome. (Bonus points to me for listing two more Paul Newman movies.)

Karate Kid
"Get 'em a body bag! Yeah!"
"Sweep the leg."





The Super Nintendo Hockey Scene in Swingers

Okay, not really a sports movie, but this is one of my favorite scenes in cinematic history. Let me explain - in college, my friends Chad and Andy and I would play a shitload of NHL '95. I would always play Roenick and the Blackhawks. Andy loved Gretzky and the Kings. And then we saw this scene in Swingers and pretty much lost our shit. I was just like Vince Vaughn! 




Honorable Mention - Drago from Rocky IV
"I must break you."
(Did you know that Dolph Lundgren has a Master's Degree in Chemical Engineering? That's badass.)




Stay strong.

- Dapper

Adventures in Movie Watching: Part III

Image by Tonya Moore Design

One of my favorite movies of all time. Pop this movie in if you're feeling money, or even if that feeling has not yet come to pass. Stay tuned beautiful babies for a longer post on this one.

Adventures in Movie Watching, Part Deux

Photo by Tonya Moore Design

Luckily my favorite pair of warm socks came out of this unscathed.

Don't blog angry!

How can anyone be angry on Groundhog Day? The sights! The sounds! The insanity! [True, it is insane. How much peyote was necessary to come up with this idea?] And since Phil predicted an early spring this morning, it won't be too long before I am released from this frozen Hell. 

1993 was a crazy year. Groundhog Day was released - officially changing the "holiday" forever. I was a Freshman in high school. I was shedding all of that stupid kid crap and becoming an adult. Well, that's what I thought anyway. I don't think I became an adult until sometime in my late twenties. When I think back, there are very few days from my high school years that I would want to repeat and repeat over and over again. 

However, I can think of several days from the summer after high school. You see, I spent most of those days hanging out with my friends, doing nerd stuff, eating shitty food and pretty much abandoning all forms of responsibility. I know what you are thinking - what about money? Did you just mooch off your parents like some loser? Nope, we had that covered. Our fearless team individually contracted with a seed corn company to detassel corn on our own. We had officially hit the big time! Walk a mile through a corn field, then hackey sack at the end - hit repeat. And making bank in the process. [Don't know what detasseling is? I'll have to tell you about it sometime.]

Bill Murray is an icon. Here are my favorite characters he has played. Honestly, there are just too many to mention. But here are my absolute four six favorite.

Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters I and II

Steve Zissou, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Bob Harris, Lost in Translation

Raleigh St. Clair, The Royal Tenenbaums

Herman Blume, Rushmore

Ernie McCracken, Kingpin

Honorable Mention: Walt Bishop from Moonrise Kingdom. Go out and see this movie now if you haven't already.

Time waits for no one. Get busy living, or get busy dying. Unless you're stuck in an endless loop, then just take that time to learn French and polish up on your chainsaw ice sculpture skills. Later.

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the war post!

Since I am the son of a veteran, I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to attend Boys State. Five days living in the barracks at Camp Dodge in Des Moines with hundreds of other seventeen year boys. 

I pictured something like this

It was more like this

The big event of the week was to elect officers, like president and vice president and stuff. One candidate was actually in my barracks. He was a black dude that decided to dye his hair blond for the shock factor or something. It was okay. The guy he was running against was Asian and had mad art skills. The Asian guy ended up winning. In the end, it was a dumb popularity contest. Just like the real Army I guess? I just thought it was funny that the two non-white guys in the entire camp were finalists to fearlessly lead a bunch of us white kids.

Since none of us have any time, here is a nice bulleted list of memories burned into my brain:

• I ate exactly one shit-ton of Gummy-Savers and drank 64 gallons of Mountain Dew during the week
  
• The bathroom we had to use was large and wide open. You know what that means - pooping in front of 38 of your closest friends.
• Open shower. You know what that means - showering in front of your 38 new pooping buddies.
• One day we snuck out to go to Hooters. That was the best day of my life up to that point.
• I really appreciate what our soldiers go through to defend us (yeah, this one is serious)

Okay, so here it is, my list of my favorite war movies.



Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Stopped Worrying About What People Would Think With a Massive Second Title to My Movie And Just Love Myself I'm Stanley Kubrick Dammit.

Dr. Strangelove isn't a comedy that you can throw in on any given weekend and enjoy, I'll admit. But when you are in the mood for it, it's amazing. Peter Sellers plays three damn characters in this one. 


Shaving Ryan's Privates...uh, I mean, Saving Private Ryan

It's all about you, stud.

I saw this one in the theater and was blown away. It made me appreciate what I have. Check out Band of Brothers and The Pacific also.


Apocalypse When? Apocalypse Now!

Yay! I want to be an actor, mommy!

So many good actors in mesmerizing roles, which is cool. Perhaps the most interesting aspect of the movie is the behind the scenes drama: Martin Sheen's heart attack, Marlon Brando being bat-shit crazy, helicopters that were used for filming that had to periodically leave to fight a damn war, and so much more! Just check out Hearts of Darkness. 


Platoon

Yay! Johnny Depp!

Yes, the man of many sexy faces is in this one, but not much. It's an incredible movie starring cool eighties Charlie Sheen and not coked out crazy man Charlie Sheen.


Full Metal Jacket (or the seventeen-year-old-me's video guide to learn cool swears and put-downs at home)

No list can be complete without this gem. Seriously, a great movie (I would argue it's really two movies). It really shows the terrible choices that soldiers face in battle...also sampled in a 2 Live Crew song!

Me love you long time. I'm out.

Adventures in Movie Watching

Photo by Tonya Moore Design

Very true.  Should I be scared? Hopeful? Depressed? I just hope that there are naps. Milk and cookies would be nice too.