Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the war post!

Since I am the son of a veteran, I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to attend Boys State. Five days living in the barracks at Camp Dodge in Des Moines with hundreds of other seventeen year boys. 

I pictured something like this

It was more like this

The big event of the week was to elect officers, like president and vice president and stuff. One candidate was actually in my barracks. He was a black dude that decided to dye his hair blond for the shock factor or something. It was okay. The guy he was running against was Asian and had mad art skills. The Asian guy ended up winning. In the end, it was a dumb popularity contest. Just like the real Army I guess? I just thought it was funny that the two non-white guys in the entire camp were finalists to fearlessly lead a bunch of us white kids.

Since none of us have any time, here is a nice bulleted list of memories burned into my brain:

• I ate exactly one shit-ton of Gummy-Savers and drank 64 gallons of Mountain Dew during the week
  
• The bathroom we had to use was large and wide open. You know what that means - pooping in front of 38 of your closest friends.
• Open shower. You know what that means - showering in front of your 38 new pooping buddies.
• One day we snuck out to go to Hooters. That was the best day of my life up to that point.
• I really appreciate what our soldiers go through to defend us (yeah, this one is serious)

Okay, so here it is, my list of my favorite war movies.



Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Stopped Worrying About What People Would Think With a Massive Second Title to My Movie And Just Love Myself I'm Stanley Kubrick Dammit.

Dr. Strangelove isn't a comedy that you can throw in on any given weekend and enjoy, I'll admit. But when you are in the mood for it, it's amazing. Peter Sellers plays three damn characters in this one. 


Shaving Ryan's Privates...uh, I mean, Saving Private Ryan

It's all about you, stud.

I saw this one in the theater and was blown away. It made me appreciate what I have. Check out Band of Brothers and The Pacific also.


Apocalypse When? Apocalypse Now!

Yay! I want to be an actor, mommy!

So many good actors in mesmerizing roles, which is cool. Perhaps the most interesting aspect of the movie is the behind the scenes drama: Martin Sheen's heart attack, Marlon Brando being bat-shit crazy, helicopters that were used for filming that had to periodically leave to fight a damn war, and so much more! Just check out Hearts of Darkness. 


Platoon

Yay! Johnny Depp!

Yes, the man of many sexy faces is in this one, but not much. It's an incredible movie starring cool eighties Charlie Sheen and not coked out crazy man Charlie Sheen.


Full Metal Jacket (or the seventeen-year-old-me's video guide to learn cool swears and put-downs at home)

No list can be complete without this gem. Seriously, a great movie (I would argue it's really two movies). It really shows the terrible choices that soldiers face in battle...also sampled in a 2 Live Crew song!

Me love you long time. I'm out.

I learned it by watching this blog!

I think it started with Reefer Madness in the 1930s. Lazy adults lying to their kids through movies. I bought this movie because I had heard a lot about it but had never seen it before. This was before YouTube, so finding it on the Internet was difficult. I know it's kind of a cult hit now, but I think it's pretty stupid.

So, we definitely learned our lesson after this turd, right? Oh, no. Not by a long shot. Countless after school specials and public service announcements ensued. The problem is, I bet I can count the number of kids swayed against drugs from these faves on one hand. They were just too cheesy.

Before Mad About You. Before As Good As It Gets. Helen Hunt was jumping out of two story windows jacked up on PCP. I remember seeing this in junior high and thinking it was ridiculous. I never did PCP either. I guess this movie was wasted on me.

Helen Hunt in Desperate Lives

Hah!  Awesome.

Perhaps the best example is the one with this Sean Astin lookalike getting lectured by his dad, who was probably a 70s porn star. No one with a 'stache like that is just a regular dude with a regular job. And he apparently likes to get all "potted up on weed" (yes, we still have a ways to go).

I learned it by watching you!

Remember kids - don't buy drugs! (Don't know that one? Shame on you. Click here.)